By Bob HillDecember 16, 2012 – One year to the day since I quit drinking. And so the question that now greets me, perhaps more often than any other: Do I regret cutting alcohol out of my life entirely?
Well, the answer is: Sometimes, sure. Particularly now, as we enter the stretch run that carries straight through until New Years. Once a week, I’ll wander past a corner bar late at night and imagine how nice it might be to just saunter in and nonchalantly ease my way into the groove. But it’s the romanticism – not the reality – of those moments that always seems to get me. And yet, it’s that very same romanticism that always seems to dissipate once I get another block or two removed. The night is forever young. And even on those rare occasions when it isn’t, the following morning I know I’ll wake up with fresh eyes and a clear skull.
Is it more difficult to meet people these days? Why, yes, it certainly is more difficult to meet people these days. But I have given up trying to force it. I’ve been there. I’ve done that … several times, in fact. With every conceivable return. When and if I have an opportunity to start dating again, I want it to be for all the right reasons. In the meantime, I can assure you I’m not banging down anybody’s door, in much the same way I can assure you there’s nobody banging down mine.
Social events, well, now, they’re a mixed bag. The first half of any outing is usually the more uncomfortable, what with everybody mingling and drinking and inquiring why it is that I am so obviously not. But once the event settles in, whatever awkward feelings I might’ve harbored just kind of vanish right into the air. At some point it’ll dawn on me the event is almost over, and rather than head home and drink myself straight through until the morning, I’ll more than likely go back and read a book, watch a movie, maybe even order a pizza. Who knows?
What it all boils down to is this: Life is a little bit different now. Not necessarily better or worse. Just different. And yet, on balance, I can tell you that I kind of prefer it this way. Nowadays, I am doing a much better job of closing the considerable distance between the asshole I once was and the semi-admirable person that I might still have an opportunity to become.
In that spirit, here now is a quick list of some of the extreme highs and lows that came to pass, lo, these past several months:
High Points:
- Scaling the southeast face of the Beehive in Acadia National Park
- Running 26.2 miles (unofficially, and on my own)
- This website (particularly the Moving On section of it)
- Taking my first (working) vacation in six years
- Putting my court-ordered community service behind me
- Curbing my general level of anxiety
- Finally getting to see the Barnes Collection in Philadelphia
Low Points:
- Losing my full-time job of 11 years
- Being selected for an IRS audit
- Paying nearly $6,000 in court costs, legal fees, travel expenses, and fines related to my 2011 arrest for public drunkenness
- Being placed on probation, and
- Eating a pair of tickets for the Broadway show Once (due to illness).
Recurring Dream: On at least a dozen occasions during the past year, I have dreamt that I am drunk. This is usually the result of either forgetting my pledge not to drink (in the dream), or having someone spike a dream drink without my dream knowledge. In either case, the dream episode generally throws me into a state of dream anger, or dream sadness, or dream both.
What might be cool in the year ahead: Mountain climbing. Hiking. Traveling. Learning more about photography. Having my work appear in a new publication. Pursuing an opportunity to do some public readings. Entering a contest. Winning an award. Increasing my web traffic. Visiting more museums/exhibits. Improving my chess game. Studying poker. Strumming my guitar. Meeting a girl. Getting better at pool. Getting better at poker. Writing something that either connects with people or has a social impact. Doing charitable work. Learning more about meditation. Seeing half a dozen new bands/artists. Investing in something. Mining the work of great writers. Body surfing. Studying some form of Martial Arts. Visiting Cambridge. Improving my diet. Learning to cook a new dish. Decreasing my student loan debt.
The final analysis: Onward. Upward.
Day 365
(Moving On is a regular feature on IFB)