Moving On: A List of 50 Factors That May Have Contributed to My Binge Drinking Over the Years

  1. Genetic predisposition
  2. Consistent refusal to recognize or accept undue authority
  3. Constant need for acceptance
  4. Lack of self-esteem
  5. Dysfunctional relationship with my father
  6. The lifelong circle of friends I grew up with and gravitated toward
  7. Ongoing desire not to end up like the majority of authority figures surrounding me
  8. Being pushed into major life decisions I had no interest in pursuing
  9. General lack of accountability for my own actions
  10. Lack of any worthwhile support system
  11. Ongoing fear of commitment
  12. Consistently feeling as if I’ve failed to live up to others’ – and my own – expectations
  13. Mounting layers of guilt and self-loathing
  14. Financial instability
  15. Misleading those who were closest to me
  16. The drinking culture surrounding me
  17. The collegiate drinking culture
  18. Spending nearly a decade working in the amusement industry
  19. Living in a town where the bars were open until 5 am (And another where the bars are currently open until 4 am)
  20. Ongoing lack of confidence in my physical appearance
  21. Lack of any other worthwhile means of distinguishing myself
  22. Inevitable need for a crutch in the majority of social situations
  23. Desire to meet or approach members of the opposite sex
  24. Desire to resemble a lot of the early heroes I chose
  25. Type-A personality
  26. Anxiety
  27. Depression
  28. Iatrophobia
  29. Arrested development
  30. Mistakes made as a result of previous binge-drinking incidents
  31. Every Samuel Adams Seasonal Lager with the exception of Spring Ale
  32. Rumple Minze
  33. Taking on too much at once
  34. Years of surface rejection
  35. The notion that binge drinking might do for me what I lacked the guts to do for myself
  36. The fact that binge drinking was responsible for some of the best – and worst – nights of my life
  37. The desire to overcompensate for my general lack of self-esteem by consistently bedding drunk strangers
  38. The notion that years of binge-drinking might provide a guilt-free alternative to suicide
  39. Subconscious desire to push away every person who ever tried to love me
  40. Subconscious cry for attention
  41. The prevailing myth that all great writers were also alcoholics
  42. The proven reality that a lot of world-class writers are also world-class drinkers
  43. Need for escape
  44. Cowardice
  45. Never feeling quite right in my own skin
  46. General failure to connect with people on a day-to-day basis
  47. A sense that people might excuse some of my awkward behavior if they simply chalked it up to me being drunk
  48. Running away from home at the age of 18
  49. Never quite feeling like I had a real home after that
  50. All the countless afternoons I woke up well after the fact and thought, “Man, oh, man … thank heavens I decided to start doing shots.”

Day 229

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(Moving On is a regular feature on IFB.)

┬ęCopyright Bob Hill