An Alphabetical List of the 63 Most Embarrassing Things I’ve Done as a Result of My Drinking

  1. arthur06Accused my father of saying something hurtful that he’d never said.
  2. Agreed to a foursome that led to a couple’s divorce.
  3. Agreed to meet a girl’s parents for the first time while on a 30-hr. bender.
  4. Allowed a prostitute to rob me of my credit card while she was performing oral sex.
  5. Annoyed Dom Irrera to an extent he requested I be thrown out of a bar.
  6. Asked an arresting officer if he knew “who my uncle [was].”
  7. Ate food out of a trash can.
  8. Attempted to kiss a close friend.
  9. Attempted to kiss a girl on a first date while we were looking out across Ground Zero at
    2 AM.
  10. Blamed an innocent person for something I had done.
  11. Boasted about a number of incidents I should’ve been ashamed of.
  12. Borrowed – and then broke – an acquaintance’s sunglasses.
  13. Broke into an apartment.
  14. Brought a crack addict home.
  15. Brought a date to a bar that I was unaware I had been banned from.
  16. Bullied someone for the amusement of my friends.
  17. Cheated on a girlfriend.
  18. Chipped my right-front tooth.
  19. Created a fake email account, used it to contact someone under false pretenses.
  20. Deserted a girl who had passed out inside the attic of an abandoned building I
    had led her into.
  21. Fell asleep in the basement boiler room of an apartment building I lived in.
  22. Fell asleep in the basement stockroom of a bar after closing.
  23. Fell asleep on a street corner.
  24. Fell over – twice – while serenading the crowd at a family wedding.
  25. Fell to the sidewalk from a second-story landing (sprained ankle).
  26. Forgot I had agreed to go to Panama Beach with a girl until she called me at my parents’ house, on her way to pick me up.
  27. Got black-out drunk during an after-party held by one of my favorite bands.
  28. Got pulled out of a public pool for skinny-dipping with my underwear on my head.
  29. Got violently thrown out of a house party by one of my closest childhood friends.
  30. Hacked into an ex-girlfriend’s email account to remove a drunken message I had sent her.
  31. Hand-delivered a 4 AM note asking a next-door neighbor out on a date.
  32. Held hands with a tranny who was en route to the subway.
  33. Instigated a fight.
  34. Jokingly passed a blonde girl a hand-written note which read, “Nicole Brown-Simpson
    got off easy.”
  35. Kissed a girl goodnight before staggering – and then falling – backward into the street.
  36. Knocked on a next-door neighbor’s door at 5 AM.
  37. Left a stuffed animal with a hand-written note outside a neighbor’s apartment.
  38. Made out with a close friend’s girlfriend.
  39. Operated a motor vehicle.
  40. Paid for drinks using counterfeit money.
  41. Placed a hose in someone’s bedroom window, turned it on.
  42. Ran head-on into a concrete pillar, resulting in a jagged facial contusion, less than 10 hours before a friend’s wedding.
  43. Sent Facebook friend requests to females under false pretenses.
  44. Sent wrong girl a text to come meet me, then abandoned her at the bar once I realized my mistake.
  45. Smashed a beer bottle against the front window of someone’s house.
  46. Squirted mustard all over a close friend’s living room couch.
  47. Staggered through a mic’d, onstage performance of “our song” in front of an ex-girlfriend.
  48. Stole alcohol from a neighbor’s apartment.
  49. Stole food.
  50. Stole money.
  51. Stripped naked and fell asleep in the bed of an apartment I had broken into.
  52. Threatened to beat up a close friend’s roommate.
  53. Told a girl I loved her.
  54. Told a judge to send me to prison.
  55. Took the wedding gift I planned on giving someone and used it to pay my bar bill after the reception.
  56. Urinated on someone.
  57. Urinated on someone’s bed.
  58. Urinated on someone’s couch.
  59. Urinated while walking down the street alongside a girl I had a crush on.
  60. Walked out on a bar tab after running my credit card into a negative balance.
  61. Watched someone get beaten up by two men without making any effort to intercede.
  62. Went home with a German girl who – in turn – stole my driver’s license.
  63. Wound up in jail the morning after a close friend’s wedding.

Day 1,293

(Moving On is a regular feature on IFB.)

©Copyright Bob Hill